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Firewater: The Adventures of Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - JANUARY 03: UFC light heavyweight champion Jon Jones speaks to the media during the UFC 182 post fight press conference inside the MGM Grand Hotel/Casino on January 3, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Brandon Magnus/Zuffa LLC/Zuffa LLC via Getty Images)

Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones is in trouble again. Riding dirty again. Using his vehicle as a weapon again; but this time, it’s not a sturdy pole. It was instead, a woman in the most delicate of conditions, an innocent mother-to-be who had to be hospitalized because of the car accident that Jones allegedly caused and then fled the scene of, as reported by Bloody Elbow.

Due to a broken arm suffered by the victim in Saturday’s hit and run accident, Albuquerque police are issuing a warrant for Jon Jones. The charge will be Felony Leaving the Scene of an Accident.


The mixed martial arts community is in a tizzy. Dejected and shocked. Worried about the effect this will have on a fight that we wanted to see, if not for the skill on display, for the possibility that we’d finally get rid of Jon Jones as an Ultimate Fighting Championship title holder.

How about I don’t give care? How about I’m not shocked? How about I would have run too? The reasons I would run are more pedestrian than a famous athlete’s reasons.

I don’t have car insurance, I have unpaid driving citations, I’m most likely wined the fuck up, and last, but not least, I have some borrowed medication in pill form running through me. Peace in the hood, two fingers! I’m up out that bitch.

Woop Woop, that’s the sound of da police! Woop Woop, that’s the sound of the beast! – KRS One, Sound Of Da Police

A rich athlete will run for different reasons but it boils down to the same thing; I don’t want a felony drug charge nor a pumped up assault charge.

I’m going to run, I’m going to call my agent/lawyer, who will start sorting out my legal situation. Me being Me, I’m going to look deep into my baby mama’s eyes and ask, How much do you love me? Do you enjoy being rich? Want to be rich for a long time? Time to do your part Sweetheart.

I can hear you now, ‘But Melinda what about the pregnant woman he hit?’ Oh, boo fucking hoo. Like any savvy accident victim, she did the right thing by doing an O’Hara Gone With The Wind swoon and ambulatory request. I’m not mad at her and her hurt arm.

Stay a full week dear. Play it up, rack up as many aches and pains as you can. Too bad contractions can be monitored because I would’ve wailed for my baby as soon as I heard the police sirens.

The baby is fine, cars can be replaced, and I wasn’t charged with being under the influence. Matter fact, I wasn’t even there Your Honor. I didn’t come forward because I was concerned for my family.

Once I knew that the other victim was going to be okay, I had to protect and focus all my attention on my family but the Lord has touched us. My fiancé’ will be making a full confession shortly.

This scenario would happen on the very last day that the law allows. I wouldn’t give a hot damn about people on the internet who mostly hate me anyway, who call me everything but a child of God. Why the hell would I thinking about your fight entertainment desires instead of how to avoid jail?

I understand that my morals are lacking, but I don’t give a damn. This is who I am. But I don’t have anything to lose by ranting here. I can show you who I am and it doesn’t affect my life in the slightest.

I’ve never tried to be anything else. My driving record and drug experimentation don’t matter to anyone. What I wonder about after these Adventures of Jonny Bones Jones is; How much does my man love me?

Would he take this charge for me? Never mind what that off duty police officer claimed to see, would you ride for me baby? Don’t think I’m not going to ask him tonight.

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This entry was posted on April 28, 2015 by in Firewater, MMA Cocktail and tagged , , , , , , .

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