The Tales

Filth ain't filth if it's funny!

Tales From My Vagina: Double Double Toil and Trouble

tfmv-doubledoubletoilandtrouble
A handful of years ago I became friends with Naomi. Naomi was a rather large woman with the prettiest face. The large part didn’t really matter too much since ‘thick women’ were in style. I was quite the porker myself.

Me and Naomi became fast friends. I even became friendly with her extended family; watched her kids when needed, and kept her Mother company when she was lonely and going through a hard time. I really enjoyed doing all these things, especially because she would help me out also on the rare occasions I needed it.

Even though we were good friends, it didn’t blind me to her faults. She was a passive aggressive, massive shit talker who thought she was a master manipulator. Of course, me being me, I thought she did that to everyone else. So, about three years and four vacations later (I always let her come for free) we were both broke and hanging out at her apartment all summer.

Her brother and sister were there quite often too. Her sister (who has a Tale) was very free with her vagina. Her brother Mike was a nice guy. Attractive. Not my type, but attractive nonetheless. During that summer Naomi was continuously promoting her brother to me. “Melinda, he’s really digging you.”

When she would come over to my house she would unexpectedly bring Mike. To be honest, Mike and I flirted some. Played a couple of games of grab ass. But, Naomi being a good friend, I wouldn’t go there and sleep with a family member unless I felt something serious. Since that was not the case, I just dismissed her promotions.

Her hints and attempted hook-ups became more pointed and aggressive as the summer wore on. I told her several times that I wasn’t interested. Her insistence was making me wary, why did she want me to hook up with her brother so bad? Even she knew it was no love match.

I became even more suspicious when we would all be together drinking and my cup was never empty, but she was bright-eyed and sober. Huh. What’s this bitch up to?

A mutual friend of ours stopped by my house one day out of the blue. We were casual friends so her visit was unexpected. A glass of wine and some random chatter later, the friend spilled all. Mike, Naomi’s brother, was being evicted from his apartment and needed somewhere to stay other than his parent’s house.

Mike was a former Meth addict, I was told. I wasn’t shocked, I knew these things already from visiting with their mother. Bluntly, I asked my visitor what was the purpose of the visit. The Informant said me she had heard Naomi discussing how she was going to get me to be with her brother. Not as a girlfriend, just as a regular booty call. Naomi’s plan was two-fold.

Part one; if I was with her brother, she and I would be closer. She would be able to go on more free vacations with me and I might be inclined to pay for her brother and sister to come along also. I had a great paying job, so she was sure I would be able to support her brother and his child financially.

Part two; Naomi believed that I was stuck up and looked down on her for having kids without being married and for being on welfare. Over the years she saw me distancing myself from her. When it was time to go clubbing I wasn’t interested. When it was time to go whoring, I wasn’t interested.

She told others that I was fat, lonely, and miserable. If Mike and I didn’t work out, and I stopped being her friend, at least he would give me something to remember for the rest of my life.

Confused, I asked the Informant what was supposed to affect the rest of my life. It was simple really, Mike had Herpes. Big, bubbling boils of toxic fluids dripping from his asshole, dangling from his balls, and dropping onto unsuspecting vaginas and bungs.

No condom can stop the Herpes train. I felt like Tupac Shakur, bitches were trying to set me up. Wet my vagina up and whoever in that motherfucker. The fat cow tried to bomb first.

I thanked the Informant for the good deed. To my shame, I did continue to be friends with Naomi for a while afterwards. I was the same kind of friend she was to me. Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.

Eventually, I got bored with the psychological warfare and dumped. Five years later, I still hear whispers of her bad mouthing me. But I didn’t get contaminated with herpes juice Trick!

 

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This entry was posted on October 30, 2015 by in The Tales and tagged , , , , , .

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