The Tales

Filth ain't filth if it's funny!

Tales From My Vagina: A Very Shitty Christmas

tfmv-averyshittychristmasI met T.L at a bar when I was blasted out of my mind.

I didn’t remember giving out my number, so when he kept calling and texting I ignored him for the longest time.

Finally I responded to his telephone call. He seemed like a nice guy.

No children, never married, said he was a multiple home owner. I decided to give having a boyfriend a try.

He was always very suspicious and jealous of the time I spent with friends. I ignored that, as well as the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him sexually.

Time passed, mostly pleasant, and it’s Christmastime. I decided it was time to have sex with ‘my boyfriend’. Before I could make a date with T.L, a male buddy of mine called and wanted to go out drinking.

While we were in the bar it had started to snow pretty heavy. We were closer to my house so we grabbed some more liquor and escaped the bad weather. T.L called, found out my male buddy was over, and decided to risk the bad weather and come over.

T.L arrives with my Christmas present, wrapped very nicely. I put the present under the tree and am feeling loving. How sweet is he? My friend goes to the guest bedroom; me and T.L go to mine. 

We’re on the bed, kissing, warming each other up. T.L reaches between my legs and with the palm of his hand starts circling my pubic bone.

He’s like, “Yeah you like dat huh? Yeah.” I grabbed his wrist because he was pressing so hard I thought I might get bruised. He told me not to run from this.

Mind you, I have very little patience at the best of times. “T.L what the fuck are you trying to rub? That’s my fucking pubic bone not my goddamn clit!”

If his black ass could have turned red it would’ve. I found myself giving a lesson in anatomy and I was very condescending about it.

I made him sit up in the bed and look at my vagina. I instructed him where the clitoris was, labia, and the damn hole in one. We tried again. He got the rub-a-dub-dub right this time. But when he pulled out his penis I was beyond impatient.

It was only 4 inches long and the width of a female middle finger. I told him, “This is over. Merry Christmas and good luck to you. This is bullshit.”

He knew what I was talking about, put his little penis back in his jeans, called me a dyke, and left. I had to cry about the small state of his penis for a minute.

I remembered my unopened present. He had given me a pair of Nike sneakers. I wasn’t that impressed because they were plain white with no flare.

I studied them for a while, something just didn’t look right. I put on the left shoe. Comfy. Lifted up the second shoe, laced it, then I realized what was wrong with them.

That little bastard had given me two fucking left shoes. Horrible foreplay, tiny dick, and two left shoes. Merry freaking Christmas.

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This entry was posted on December 22, 2015 by in The Tales and tagged , , , , , , .

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